wherefore art thou sex...

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the precious offspring of the heart and soul, the symbol of their capacity to express love. Like a precious Child, a gift from God, It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! Rather, It must be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely, to reach it's fullest! Nevertheless, however, It should not be allowed to lose its way nor, worse, given away carelessly, for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

So please, My zealous Christian brothers and sisters, do not tell me that in order to be right with God and recieve eternal salvation, I have to deny myself of my true sexuality?! I have to Ignore the true emotions That have been born in the deepest recesses of my self? and pretend to be what you call "normal"? Might I kill the myth now, For most cases, BEING GAY IS NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE! THIS IS NOT A DEFIANCE OF NORM! NOT A REBELLION AGAINST SOCIETY AND GOD! I, for one, have clearly realized that I am gay not by a concious choice I made at some point in my life but by God’s will! YES! GOD'S WILL! Who else could have detremined hormonal predisposition but our creator! Who else could have allowed environmental influences but our creator! Therefore, not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being the way he created me to be?! neither can you claim that I am under the influence of the devil. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect! One, He will not create something and then, years after, frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”.Two, He will not allow any of those he loves to be under the cruel influence of the devil! God is bigger and mightier than anything! My dear brothers and sisters, Please, know OUR God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

I urge you zealos ones, review the basic precepts of Christianity,thoroughly and deeply, leaving out man-made rules and prejudiced beliefs, See that it's pure essence simply says that God's love is sooo deep that he has the unfathomable capacity to accept us for who we are, and, That the reason why Christ died on the cross was to allow us to be ourselves as we are without the burden of guilt (from the law)...in order for us to concentrate on loving him, loving others, and living a good life according to his unique purposes for us.

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.

With God , WE are free to be who we really are. WE ARE INCLUDED IN HIS PLAN.

alone with God

Tor and I are going through slightly trying times.

A month ago he flew back to his hometown just to visit his Lola and tell her the good news that he is soon off to study in London. Like everything was timed according to a plan he never anticipated, On the day he arrived, his Lola was rushed to the hospital for a lingering fever and to make things short, the findings were thats the cancer in her breast had already spread to her lungs and liver. Tor quit his job in Y&R and stayed in Cebu, caring for her day in and day out, bathing her, massaging her back, dressing her wounds and regulating her dextrose. Not a joke! Especially with the thought that the woman who raised him, nurtured him, and made him the beautiful person that he is is soon to go. Defintely not easy.

My cross is lighter and self-inflicted. Since I arrived from my most recent regional project in Vietnam three weeks ago, I have been hoping to get one more project in Manila to keep me busy and , ofcourse help augment the money I need to make to pay for my studies in London as well. Almost three weeks has passed and all i've gotten are cancellations and silence. Very discouraging at nakaka-insecure. These periods of "nothingness" make me fear for my future and stupidly make me doubt my worth. I was bad a few days ago. Now, I'm choosing to believe in the truth that there is nothing wrong with me...that I am merely meant to have these periods of stillness for some good purpose.

As a couple, It has been trying also for us not to be able to be together, especially in times like these. I'm here needing to make a living compelled by the realities of life, he's there waiting for his Lola's last breath compelled by his good heart. We miss each other. Thank God for modern means of communication, we are able to cope.

Were not complaining. We know that other people have heavier crosses, bigger problems...but that does not take away the pain of the struggle.

Tor and I choose to see this time as a time of stillness and solitude necessary for the growth of our soul. I personally believe that there are times in our lives when God really has to force us out of our comfort zones in order to bring us to a quiet corner, alone with him...so he can whisper into our hearts and let us know and BELIEVE how deeply he truly loves us unconditionally and how we NEED NOT FEAR anything.

The question is, do we recognise the purpose of these periods of stillness and give in to his will? or do we try to escape the peace that is at hand by trying to run our lives on our own feeble strength and limited wisdom?

A memory of pain

It was the break of autumn when we spent a weekend at the Faller’s home in the Hamptons. It was a special time. I remember this particular afternoon, driving down to the beach with the objective of just being with the kids.

Between the kids and myself, we have always had a very warm relationship thats just right. Not too mushy, not too cold. Just right. But this afternoon was unusually quiet. Even the ocean, which is normally our place of joy and laughter, seemed too still and all I could hear were our feet dragging on the sand, even the sound of waves seemed far from us. There were attempts at laughter but the cold autumn wind must have frozen our ability to do so heartily.

At a certain point it was strange. To avoid the emotional discomfort, I clicked away with my camera, giving the kids a reason to smile, even for just one moment. Even just for show. But the waves just seemed speechless and the ocean just lay there, too still for comfort.

Nikki tried. She pranced around.

Paolo tried to kid.

Matisse, being the transparent boy that he is, was silent in his thoughts.

I just kept quiet.

It was the break of autumn when we spent a weekend at the Faller's home in the Hampton's. It was a special time. I remember this particular afternoon...after we had buried the ashes of my sister - Nikki and Paolo's Mom, Matisse's aunt, our beloved Aimee...there were attempts at laughter but the cold autumn wind must have frozen our ability to do so heartily.

Seeking my promised land

"now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the conviction of things not seen"

Hebrews 11


It has been more than a month since I came back from Kuala Lumpur and I have been doing nothing since then. I asked for this. I actually asked God to give me a break! And this is what I stress today - BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR!

I am bored senseless and getting needy.

My idle mind is beginning to get corrupted with worldly garbage and anxiety.

I'm starting to worry about money again EVEN IF I HAVE NO MATHEMATICAL REASON TO.

I'm starting to feel mediocre EVEN IF I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO BASIS FOR FEELING SO!

I'm feeling envy.

I'm restless.

NOT GOOD!

Everyday I get up with what I call a "sudden jolt of momentary anxiety". It's like I'm awakened by an issue that seems pressing at that moment. Like, "huh! I need to get up and call my clients!...Or check the color of the paint they're using!...Or I need to start writing that movie or I'll never get it done!". Then I try to calm down but the issues start spinning in my head like crazy! Like channel surfing at high speed! I try and go back to sleep but the thoughts just wont stop! Ultimately, I pray...I give it up...And then I'm able to get up and get real.

I wonder why God allows these days of "nothingness"!? While I wish I had work to do or a person to love so I don't have to wallow in this low state of mind, I don't! I tried my best and there is none! So that's the will! I have to OBEY! I just have to wait! AND While I wish that I had the wisdom and strength to look at this "nothingness" from a more mature perspective, I'm sorry GOD, but I guess I'm not that mature yet! I still get bored, restless, and praning! And I know you see how unproductive I can be! BUT, somehow I survive with the thought that these periods are meant for STILLNESS. GOD relay wants me to do nothing so he can sit with me and talk to me about the next steps we have to take. These are the COCOON days when God wants me to be still and allow him to turn the worm that is me into a butterfly. Because true! I find myself praying more fervently in times like these. My most heartfelt prayers and soulful tears are during difficult periods like these. The most important ANSWERS are clearly given when I am being still and begging for them.

Come to think of it, my greatest desire now is to reach a point of PEACE, Real peace. My aspiration is to restore my JOY, Real joy. I'm not too sure I'm ready for a relationship nor will it be my answer to the pressing needs in my soul. And I don't think that continuous "busyness" can help me achieve the peace I need. I need that peace and joy to be able to settle in my own lot, to love what is given to me today, and be happy for what is here and now.

That Joy and Peace is a promise of GOD.

The good achievements in my life is his will.

He who began a good work in me shall be faithful to fulfill it.

So though I walk in this valley of tears, I shall not fear for he is with me. He is leading me there...To that promised land.

And that promised land I shall see for it is his will.

One thing doesn't change

I had written this entry in my old journal while nursing a shattered heart after breaking up a 4-year relationship. The emotional pain was tremendous that I was forced to get down and beg for peace. Heaven had answers. It was this evening that I suddenly felt my healing start.

July 1990

“I have never felt a calm so deep, a calm that ignites a flame of hope.

Though the spears of loneliness pierce through me, I feel no wounds!

  How great is this hope that only Christ could have touched upon my aching soul! A hope so true, a hope so reliable
  from a God who is, indeed, reliable.

  And though human nature often makes me turn away from his light, He is always there; ever present, gently persuading me,   coaxing me…to come back into his arms.

   I guess that’s all he wants. For us to stay in his arms and to feel love, and the hope that only he can give…”

Today, 15 years later. I see it all clearly, why he allowed my relationship with Ed to end, why I had to move on, why I had to bear the pain of losing my first real “love” - In order to soar.

Today, 15 years later, I have not changed my mind. In fact, I am even more convinced that He, GOD, truly is the only reliable source of love, hope, and wisdom.

*pics taken in Vienna last august.

To the zealots

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the offspring of the unity of heart and soul, their capacity to express love. It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! It should be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely! On the other hand, It should not be allowed to lose its way or given away carelessly for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, LOVE.

So please, do not tell me that in order to be right with God, I have to deny myself my true sexuality that has been born in the deepest recesses of my self. I am gay not by my own choice but by God’s will, and not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being so. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect and He will not create something then frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”. Please, know OUR God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.

Where the seedling fell, there it grew, according to the perfect will of GOD.

A season of WANT

"God does these things to a man-twice, even three times- to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him" Job33

My serotonin levels have been plummeting. My spirit is deadened.

I first noticed it last week when I’d wake up in my hotel after 8 hours of sleep still feeling extremely tired and my eyes, yes, I know it when my eyes are sad. I don’t even need to look at the mirror to know; I just feel that lack of glint.

There is absolutely no reason for this. All is well, I have enough. why then?

I can point a finger at several demons.

I know so well that I have been a bit too preoccupied with yearnings of my flesh lately. loneliness - I naturally fall back into these dark pits every once in a while, especially when the soul is idle, when it has no passion to fulfill. Times I call my “seasons of WANT”, when, for lack of a passion or emotional intimacy, I feed my thirsty soul with shallow substitutes, Non-love conquests that bury me deeper and deeper into a pit of nothingness.

While that demon has a foothold on me, here comes a second one, whispering guilt and fear into my ear, “ how can you be such an ingrate? God has blessed you so much and here you are just disregarding him! All you are being asked to do is not to use people as carnal conquests! You will be stripped! You’re doomed!” and deeper into the dark pit I fall. Damn gulit.

I panic; I make lists of things to do to fix my life. But my spirit knows that loneliness and guilt are unnecessary burdens, so I just get down on my knees and pray. Sometimes I feel heaven is too quiet. Today, I feel my soul is deaf.

And so I smoke another cigarette and sip from my nth cup of coffee trying to find some form of relief. None.

I cannot fall into depression again.

My soul must seek the higher levels it has reached in the past.

I must wait. It will come.

While I am given nothing to be consumingly passionate about these days (or do I just not see things around me?), In this painful silence, I must seek the peace of God again, and when I find him, I have to lay this pain down at the foot of his cross and know that ONLY HE^ can heal my pain.

As in all that I have gone through in life, I know this too shall pass. I just have to silence my mind's noise. I know that I have to wear the bridle, focus and listen. It may take time. But, we all know we can’t force the sun to rise faster. The joy of day will come in HIS^ own time.